#yeah i'm just irritable and fucking starved for... idk what

[ashterblaster]

I am so irritable rn. I know it's coming. Like it has to, I've been irrationally pissed for like, the entire fucking week. (part of that having to do with my nana, who will always remain in my head rent free until I can fucking move out) but besides that I've legit just be sooooo irritated. Like more than is normal. AND craving sweets/chocolate. AND masturbating more.

Like come ON body just let me gush already!!!

[transmascaraa]

Could you possibly write hcs for childe and his younger brother reader?

His brother is having a sexuality crisis and childe finds out, FLUFF ENSUES

Pls feed me I'm starving I need more genshin men as brother figures 🙏🏻

brother!childe headcannons!

he's there to help.

older brother!childe & younger brother!reader

author's note: closed reqs for a while i have 18 reqs lmao it's okay tho i'll put them open again at like around 5 reqs idk lol i hope you like this<3 i'm not a big fan of childe but ig it's worth a try🤷‍♂️

"you need my help?"

-he was a good older brother, let's be honest.

-he would take care of you, but not too much.

-he'll teach you how to "fight for yourself", because "you're a man".

-he wasn't wrong, but you were already strong enough.

-another thing that i think suits him, is that he would annoy you untill you hit him as hard as you could.

-fucking asshole.

-so, one day, you were having a sexuality crisis.

-do you like men?

-do you like women?

-do you like other genders?

-do you like anyone at all?

-do you like everyone?

-a million of thoughs running through your head.

-not knowing who you like, and if you even like anyone at all.

-suddenly, you felt a hand on your shoulder.

-"hey, [name], what's got you so worked up?" he sat beside you, putting an arm around your shoulders.

-"none of your business..." you ignored him, continuing to think.

-"i can try and help." he says confidently.

-"you? help? hah, don't make me laugh." you chuckled sarcastically at him, rolling your eyes.

-"please?"

-"fine."

-he cherred a bit and then calmed down, waiting for you to speak up.

-"just... a sexuality crisis. there, are you happy now?" you said, clearly irritated by him.

-"oh, i can help with that!" he exclaimed as he started asking some questions and saying some stuff like a boring teacher who thinks that their subject is really fun but in fact it's like maths

-"yeah, yeah, i get it..." you regret telling him.

-but soon, you found yourself quite intrigued by what he told you.

-telling you that it's okay.

-to take your time.

-that you can just say that you're unlabeled.

-you found it nice of him- wait, who said that?

-after he finally finished his long ass paragraph, he asked one last question.

-"so do you understand now? that it's okay? my younger brother deserves help, after all." he asked, giving you a small but genuine smile after.

-"yeah... i guess i do. thanks." you say, looking back at him, but not letting yourself smile.

-if only you were the older one... he would basically be thoma.

~~~~~

i liked it

i don't like childe but these hcs are nice

thanks for the req anon<3

[musclesandhammering]

I'm not fond of the pairing but from what I've seen General public actually loves Sylki very much. Even the trade reviews called the relationship "genius" which,,,ok. Someone did a poll on various platforms, yt, reddit, fb, twitter etc comparing which ship is better (Lokius or Sylki) and it was Sylki who won by large margin in the end. I suppose mostly they just don't care because it's sci fi and a pairing in a totally unrealistic show, and after Wandavision I guess weird ships are 'in' but yeah it makes you think. But the writers already said they won't give in to the fan pressure bc they have their own story to tell (which ok, valid, you do you) but idk. I guess we will get even more Sylki in second season. Tom already said Loki won't stop searching for her

Sometimes I think casual fans are the most irritating thing about being in a fandom :/

Just as a disclaimer (bc I don’t want people coming for me): I think lokius is really cute, and I love fics/art/headcanons about them, but I never thought they were canonically romantically interested in each other. I never thought lokius was gonna be canon, and I never wanted it to (because I didn’t want ANY romance in the series), so I don’t even include it in my argument against s*lki.

Ok so….. listen. This is gonna be a long ass post, so I’m putting it under a cut. Sorry, anon, but you’re the one that opened the Worm Can.

The viewing public, in general, tends to heavily skew towards heterosexual-presenting ships. Partially because a portion of the general audiences are homophobic, and partially because a lot of non-tumblr fans are so sick of hearing tumblr stans go on and on and on about how they were queerbaited by certain gay ships not becoming canon, when in reality, said ships are trash.

Listen. I sympathise with that. I get that. I know I’m beating a hornet’s nest with this, but…. D*stiel? J*hnlock? St*cky? None of those were written in any way to invoke queer undertones, they were always supposed to be platonic, and tbfh even as platonic relationships the first two are literally toxic and abusive as hell, anyway.

So I definitely understand how a casual straight fan on Twitter or Instagram would see some of those same crazy “we were queerbaited” tumblr stans ranting about lokius not becoming canon and how much s*lki sucks and……. it makes sense that they’d be like “These people are just pissed that their gay ship isn’t canon, that’s why they hate s*lki.”

But here’s the thing. I don’t think those people realise how callous it is to say something like that when the only reason queer kids are so quick to ship any two male characters who express a modicum of affection for one another, is that they’re so fucking starved for representation in the first place, they’re willing to see queer romance in any same-sex interaction. They’re just that desperate. That’s where the whole crazy gay stan thing comes from. And yeah, it’s annoying that these people put their whole chest into defending gay ships that are total trash, but you have to realise why they do it.

So, what I’m saying is, for s*lki shippers- who are already winning, because their straight ship had the privilege of easily becoming canon despite all its flaws- to look at queer people who are frustrated to the point of tears that they were once again conned out of any form of queer rep (for the mcu’s first canon queer character, for gods sake) after actually genuinely being queerbaited this time (with his bisexuality/genderfluidity)….. and to essentially gloat that their straight ship became canon and taunt queer people by saying “oh you’re just desperate for two men to kiss”………… idk, man. It just seems real cold to me. Reeks of straight privilege and heteronormativity.

Ok, so with that being said.. let me respond to your actual ask lol.

I’m not surprised at all that s*lki won the popularity polls. I think a large reason for that is the fact that it was pitted against lokius, which sorta rubs a lot of casual viewers the wrong way for reasons listed above. I’m also not surprised that casual viewers liked it outside of its opposition to lokius- because, um, casual viewers aren’t very smart.

They tend to analyse exactly nothing, they don’t look any deeper than the surface, and if the writers of a show stick a hot man and woman together under a blanket, they eat it up. Because the narrative tells them it’s sweet. Just like the narrative tells them Loki is a greasy asshole who had no character development up until this point, and they eat that up too. Just like the narrative tells them that sylvie’s the best thing since sliced bread, and they eat that up too. Just like the narrative tells them it’s completely in character for Loki to try to subjugate a group of 3 random Mongolians in the middle of the dessert for absolutely no reason other than his “narcissism”, and they eat that up too. Just like the narrative tells them that one throwaway line about liking “a bit of both” is somehow this groundbreaking example of lgbt representation, and they eat that up too……… See the pattern here?

And as far as being concerned about the pseudo-incest angle, I don’t even think casual fans even dug that deep. They literally just saw two main characters- a pretty white woman and a hot white man- doing cool fight scenes together and giving each other goo goo eyes, and they were automatically sold.

And the writers saying “we won’t give in to fan pressure, we have our own story to tell” is honestly complete bullshit. What the hell is the POINT of working for a corporate film company and telling a story on screen if not to please the fans??? They do what they do to get people to watch their shows to get lots of money. That’s literally what they’re there for. Mike Waldron must have a pretty damn inflated sense of self importance if he thinks his own “artistic vision” or what the hell ever is the priority here lmao.

And I wanna be mad about Season 2, I really do. But at this point Season 1 ruined the character so much for me that I legitimately don’t even care what direction they take him in.

[purple-possibilities]

Fuck Marry Kill: Kakashi, Sakumo, Madara (I'm evil, I know, I'm sorry)

SAKUMO KAKASHI AND MADARA??? Youuu… yoooooouuuuuu…. how dare you????!?!?

This is super long. Like way too long. I got really into this, so it’s under the cut.

So, at the very least, Sakumo and Kakashi are on a whole ‘nother tier of love for me. There’s actually one more ninja up there, who is an Uchiha, but that Uchiha is not Madara, unfortunately for him. So I can say (with much much muuuuuuch regret) that I’d kill Madara. It’s easier to say when I imagine that it’s canon Madara who is crazy. Yes yes. Not my Madara. My Madara is safe and in love with Kakashi (and hey if they both wanted to love me too I wouldn’t protest lol). Yes. Very good. So bye bye Madara, you always seem to draw the shortest straw. I am sorry to be perpetuating that, but you went kinda eye crazy and while I might have fucked your crazy ass, there’s no contest when it comes to Kakashi and Sakumo.

Which brings me to the evilness of this:

HOW DARE YOU MAKE ME CHOOSE BETWEEN KAKASHI AND SAKUMO????

Can I marry them both? Is that weird? I mean, they’re father and son but like… I’d be down. Please? No? I’m a freak you say? Damn. I always knew there was a way to love too much, and of course I stumbled headfirst into it.

Fuck me. Damn. Ok. Sibi has to choose who’s gonna fuck her 😝

I just love them both so much??? And now there’s the added weirdness of, hey I fucked your dad/son now marry me to think of (because of course this happens in the same world lol). How old does that make me in this situation? Idfk that’s too much semantics even for me.

Ok. Sakumo would be an amazing husband, I’ve said it a million times. And I feel so horrible that he felt like he had to commit seppuku for his botched mission, and I’m all about loving those soft broken boys. Poor Sakumo. Poor Kakashi. Poor me for having to choose. Fuck me. Like I want to say I’d marry Sakumo—because I totally would marry Sakumo today. If he appeared and was like “Sibi, marry me,” I would be gone. Happily ever after, the end, hey look that’s me and Sakumo disappearing into the sunset isn’t it lovely?

As I said, I want to say I’d marry Sakumo. Because I soooo want to marry Sakumo. But, Kakashi—I can never deny Kakashi. If I was dating Sakumo and then Kakashi asked me out I can’t say I wouldn’t dump his dad for him, just because Kakashi. Hell, if I was married to Sakumo and Kakashi asked me out I’d probably say yes I’m so sorry Sakumo (although I can see Sakumo being the type of guy that says “I just want you both to be happy,” and totally supporting my new relationship with his son lol. Sakumo is amazing. Fuuuck me). So that relegates Sakumo to the fuck zone (lol omg the image this gives me is hilarious 😂).

I think Sakumo, as much as he is a gentleman in my head, cooooouuullldd prrooooobably have a one-night stand. Or like, a many-nights stand haha. I don’t see him as pairing sex and emotions exclusively. But I also don’t think Sakumo is the kind of guy to just go around picking up chicks and then never seeing them again in the morning. Sakumo would want to buy you dinner first (he would not let you buy him dinner—or lunch or breakfast or pay for any date—because he’s old fashioned like that). But hey, if he were offering, I’d hop on 😜. It would be a night to remember, that I am sure of. Idk how it would happen… maybe he’s been dating someone for a while, they end up having sex (Sakumo wants a romantic connection first not just a sexual one, but he doesn’t need to wait for marriage. Sometimes I think Kakashi was a happy lil accident and not a planned baby. Sakumo would totally marry you if he knocked you up tho, and since you’d been together as a couple beforehand it wouldn’t be a horrible idea. It would be fantastic. Sakumo would be such an amazing husband). Then, for whatever reason, the relationship just wouldn’t work out. Poor us. *sigh* We had such lovely times together. Oh well, I (apparently) have Kakashi to comfort me, which is a win in my book lol!

So yeah, I’d marry Kakashi so hard he wouldn’t know what hit him. I can’t say he’d be the greatest or most outwardly romantic husband. He’d totally love you, no question, but he’d show it in small, sneaky things. He’s probably embarrassed to display too much affection, even after he knows you for a while. Even after being married to him for years. But he shows it.

He’d very casually do a lot of amazing things. Call it passive affection lol. Like, he’d make you lunch to take to work, and when you asked he’d just be like “oh, I found this food, it shouldn’t be wasted. Here, you take it.” Or you’d receive flowers from an anonymous sender. When you asked the delivery boy who sent them, he’d give a different description of the person who bought them every time (because Kakashi is too embarrassed to buy flowers. He uses a henge or calls the order in on the phone from a pay phone. Boy will not be caught haha). When he sees the flowers in your home later that day, you’ll know he sent them because he doesn’t throw them out when you’re not looking. God save anyone else who sends you flowers or gifts or love notes; Kakashi will make them all (and your admirer) disappear (they’re not dead, just suspiciously absent when’re you’re near). They’re also probably not very fragrant flowers, or ones with a lot of pollen.

I can see him buying potted plants over cut flowers too. You can put your plants on the ledge next to Mr Ukki. It makes Kakashi feel all fluttery inside when he glances at them. Your plants might get name cards, labelling them as Mr Ukki’s spouse and their children. It’s adorable. If you ask how they got there, Kakashi will shrug and say something like “I don’t control Mr Ukki. He’s free to make his own choices. If he found love, who am I to stop him?” “But Kakashi, Mr Ukki can’t write, he can’t even move!” “I think those name cards prove that he can.” “Where did he get the paper and the marker from then?” “I’m not here 24/7. I don’t know what Mr Ukki does in his spare time.” It’s hilarious.

If you’re on the couch or in bed, reading or watching tv or something, expect a random Kakashi to fall on your lap. When you say hi or ask him what he’s doing, he’ll be like, “Oh, I didn’t notice you there. Well, it’s too much trouble to move now.” Then he’ll make himself comfortable and you won’t be getting up for a loooong time. Also, he always washes the dishes. Even if you don’t cook and he’s the one cooking (and he’s a great cook) he insists on washing the dishes. Speaking of cooking, Kakashi is really good at making the dishes he likes, not so much with other things, unless it’s a detailed recipe. He’s not going to improvise in the kitchen, but he’s great at following a recipe. He doesn’t bake desserts tho. But he will totally learn to cook you whatever you want. If you go to a resto and really like something, he will somehow steal the recipe and randomly make it for you. You’ll think he’s just buying you takeout until one day he lets you catch him cooking that dish in the kitchen (and he lets you catch him, you don’t stand a chance if he wants to hide it).

He’s got his issues tho, so expect to deal with nightmares and his low self-esteem (boy thinks he’s not worthy of love. Love him harder). He also doesn’t like to go out much, esp to crowded places. But he likes being outside. So you could convince him to take you to some private spot by the river or even a beach if there’s one nearby. Kakashi knows a lot of quiet, private spots where you can go to read and cuddle. That’s Kakashi’s favourite date.

Although I also think he really likes listening to his s/o talk. He’d put down his book to listen to you talk about your day, especially if something good happened and he got to see you smile or hear you laugh. Kakashi likes seeing people happy. It makes him feel like all the horrible things he had to suffer were worthwhile if it meant he created a world where the people he loves can be happy. My poor poor Kakashi.

If you find a topic Kakashi is passionate about, don’t expect him to shut up any time soon lol. Motormouth no Kakashi will talk your ear off if it’s the right topic and you’re alone. He’s so adorably passionate. Kiss him if he goes on for too long. He’ll be startled at first, but then his mask is down and you’re on your back and Kakashi is showing you all the other things his mouth can do.

It would be hard to make Kakashi mad, but when you do see him angry it’s an experience. He tries to keep calm and aloof but his words are sharp and clipped and he either talks down to you or (if he can) disappears. For like a week. Then he comes back, and (if necessary) talks the argument out. If it’s something where disappearing is a no-go, he is veeeerrrryyy stubborn. He doesn’t yell, but kid-Kakashi rears his head. Kakachibi is a stubborn one, I cannot stress that enough lol.

With smaller things that irritate him, expect passive aggressiveness, just like he’s passive affectionate lol. Like, lunch is burnt, or something he knows you don’t like. You suddenly can’t find your favourite pair of shoes. He walks past you in your home and sits in a different room instead of spending time with you. You’ll have to confront him about it, or wait for him to get over whatever it is. Or just cuddle him. The man has been touch starved, it’s hard for him to pull away when you start running your hands through his hair or even just causally sitting next to him with your thigh just barely touching his. If it’s your fault, say sorry and suddenly you’re in his arms or on his lap and his nose is buried in you neck while he continues to (pretend to) read. He’ll whisper his apology into your skin, just loud enough that you’re not sure he said anything at all, if it wasn’t for the vibration in his chest and the way his lips moved against you’d skin.

If he’s at fault (and he eventually realizes he’s overreacting) he’ll come to you like a sad puppy, usually with some small offering and sad saaaad eyes (or eye, if he’s still got his Sharingan lol). If you’re still mad (how can you be???) he’ll flood you with his passive affection lol. You’ve got a cup of water and it’s half empty? Kakashi will refill it for you. You’re rubbing your neck? Suddenly massage. You have to go run an errand? Kakashi is following beside you, taking your bags and oh wow did you just conveniently pass by your favourite restaurant even though it wasn’t anywhere you were going? Kakashi suddenly decides he’s hungry and you should both pop in for a bite. You’re too angry to go? You come back home to takeout from that resto, somehow still hot. Kakashi is a magician of apologies. He doesn’t say the words very often, which can be annoying. But you can tell he feels bad. Kiss him and he’ll whisper his apology on your lips.

This is really long. Wow. I’m not even done. Maybe I should be done? Ok I’m done (for now). Ask me more about Kakashi later lol.

Thank you for sending the ask! I really appreciate it! Let’s play FMK

Already done: Already done:

Neji, Kiba, and Chouji?

Maito Dai, Sakumo, Minato?

[nashta]

Disclaimer: I'm not trying to complain or anything

I realize far too many people have it so much worse than I do, and I just need to put this out there or I'll cave in on myself. Also this post is a giant mess and I don't expect anyone to read it. So a few months ago, I started a new job where I'm working on Friday and Saturday until close (0300). My friend who will be moving in this week or next in place of my mom (oh yeah she's leaving the state) is my ride to and from work, and he refuses to pick me up from those two shifts because he works the next morning. Understandable, I guess, but Uber is super expensive like the first ride I had was almost $40. I can't afford that twice a week. Luckily, another friend of mine is saving me and will be my ride home until she goes to boot camp in February. Anyway, I feel lifeless. I'm not eating anything like I should and I have no energy and school is starting soon and I'm under immense amounts of stress and sacrificing more of myself than I have to sacrifice. He complained about the work thing, saying he won't pick me up from that shift, which I kind of get, but he also said he wants his 2 days off to be reliable so he knows that he'll have a day or two to look forward to where he doesn't have to drive or wake up or anything. Again, I get it, but here's the thing: you can't have both. You gotta either give up your guaranteed days off or a couple hours of sleep because I'm already not sleeping much/well, especially with school coming up. A full-time job on top of school that I'm fully responsible for? I will not be sleeping. A big-ass thing, a few months ago when he said he wouldn't pick me up from those shifts, I lashed out and said "how the fuck am I gonna eat with no job?" because yknow, anxiety, and he lashed back "don't you fucking dare try to guilt trip me." I wasn't trying to though, I was honestly just trying to express what my fears were. Literally ever since then, I refuse to tell him anything. I was often told I was a manipulative child, and maybe it's because I was "mature" for a child because manipulation, even after I learned what it was, was never my intent. But now, I can't tell him when something is wrong. I cry after a ton of shifts on the ride home almost the entire ride because honestly I have so much I need to just get OUT (hence this post) and so many things I'm afraid of and things I need him to do or at least listen to and understand. I need a hug and a cry and I need to know I'm safe and things will be fine and that someone gives a legitimate damn about me and my well-being because it really feels like no one in the world cares. Not enough, anyway. At this point now, someone just saying "I care" really isn't going to cut it. I'm not going to believe them, not really. I can consciously tell myself that, I can back it up with evidence and logic and things they've done to "prove" it, but I still won't feel it. He always wants to get home to his place, I understand, he's tired and wants to go, but I'm never okay. I'm so shot, during those times I'm crying in his car for 20 mins I literally just need a real fucking hug and I need to be allowed to cry because I don't make any sound. As soon as I get inside, I break the fuck down like I'm talking drop everything and fall to the floor audibly sobbing, and I'm exaggerating absolutely none of that. I've been afraid to post on this for so long because I know he follows it and reads shit and I'm afraid of what'll happen but honestly I just want to die and the more shit that happens, the more I break and the less I feel and the sooner I'll kill myself so maybe him getting pissed off and so upset with me is for the best. THIS IS A SUPER IMPORTANT BIT @ANYONE/FUTURE ME The reason I'm always crying is that I have things I need to express, but I can't. I'm constantly reminded of that "don't guilt me" thing, and every single thing I need to express is a guilt trip, all of it is a fucking manipulation, and I can't express that feeling because that is ALSO a guilt trip and a fucking manipulation. Telling him what I need and why and how it's fucking with me, that'll possibly make him feel bad, and telling him that I can't tell him shit might also make him feel bad, you see where I'm going with this? He also thinks I'm dramatic and overreacting to shit. My whole body is in pain and simple tasks seem to hurt more than they used to. FUTURE ME, THIS IS ALSO A SUPER IMPORTANT BIT I've expressed some of these things before and he just invalidates them. "Oh you're fine," "you just have hypothermia because you always have the A/C on," "your weight is fine." NO BITCH My temperature at one point hit 94.something. That's dangerous, and while I realize you can get hypothermia from too much A/C, I don't have any of the symptoms and I have too many symptoms of other things that are more likely. My mom is Type 1 brittle diabetic (autoimmune disease) which means being hypoglycemic isn't an out-there theory, I have a lot of symptoms, and it would explain the voodoo doll feeling. Plus hypoglycemia (from what I've read) is often a symptom itself of something else. Having Addison's Disease also isn't all that far off because it is also an autoimmune disease and it attacks internal organs (from what I've read. I'm not a doctor I don't know how likely or unlikely it is that I could have it). ALSO kidney disease (CKD) is another possibility because I have too many symptoms to be that much coincidence and that really freaks me out because if I'm ever so broke that I literally cannot afford food/water/other damn needs, my backup plan (honestly probably for college) is to sell one of my kidneys since you really only need one. And yes, I mean on the black market. Go ahead FBI fucking come for me. If I don't have 2 working kidneys, bye bye backup plan! Also to add to that stress, I don't know half of my biological family medical history. Never had a dad because he left, so I don't know what I'm at risk for from them. I have decent reason to fucking panic! MORE IMPORTANT THING FUTURE ME I KNOW YOU'VE NODDED OFF BY NOW PROBABLY GO FUCK YOURSELF I'm starving myself. Kind of. Ok look it's not in an ED sort of way. It's not like that, I'm not so fucking hungry that I'm clutching my stomach in pain and still refusing to eat. If I'm that hungry I'll try and fucking eat something. I have a small appetite because of stress and probably other things rn. There are usually only a few times I eat: 1) when I watch Shane Dawson videos (idk why he used to do a lot of food stuff and I'd usually watch them after work when I was hungry so maybe that's it but it's stuck now) 2) when I have to take my meds (before work and during work if it's been a while) 3) if my head is being stupid (if I have a massive headache because I've learned that that usually means I need food, or if my head is super foggy and I'm confused and slow and forgetful) My usual weight from a few months ago was like 115-118 lbs. I'm 4'11 so that's not bad BMI but I despised my body and frequently would punish myself for indulging or eating too much. My BMI was fine but too uncomfortably close to "overweight" for me. However, didn't hate my weight, just my body. Light for me was 112-115 lbs. My average-ish weight now is 100 lbs, and it's going down. I don't despise my body now (don't really like it still but I'm fine with it) and I don't want to gain my weight back but I'm also scared to lose more. I weighed myself earlier today and I WAS 98 LBS. THAT'S APPROXIMATELY A 20 LB DROP. That's still a healthy weight, but it wasn't lost in a healthy way and that's what fucking scares me. I sent him a photo of the scale at 99 lbs (he knows my normal weight and I expressed to him when I lost 10 lbs how worried I was because it was after like 2 weeks of accidental starvation) and YOU KNOW WHAT HE FUCKING SAID? "Your weight is nothing to be worried about." I'M NOT WORRIED ABOUT MY WEIGHT I'M WORRIED ABOUT HOW I GOT THERE GODDAMMIT HE FUCKING KNOWS I HAVEN'T BEEN EATING. WE'VE LITERALLY TALKED ABOUT HOW IT'S A FUCKING STRUGGLE FOR ME TO GET IN MORE THAN 800 CALORIES IN A FUCKING WAKE CYCLE PLUS EVERYTHING I'M EATING IS NOT GOOD FOR ME TO BE EATING LIKE THIS Jesus fucking Christ god fucking dammit I'M FUCKING WORRIED ABOUT MY WEIGHT BECAUSE THE ONLY REASON IT'S THERE IS BECAUSE I'VE NOT BEEN EATING. I'VE BEEN FUCKING STARVING MYSELF I've been fucking starving myself. I've been fucking starving myself. I've been fucking starving myself. Because of money. That's literally the reason. I picked up my medication today and had a $1 copay. I've never had a copay before. I had an anxiety attack and bought food, plus I was hungry. I woke at 1800, ate at around 2000, ate again at 1000 when I took another dose of meds before work. This prescription thing, I got back in his car (which isn't working well and he was angry so I kind of get it) at 1700ish. I ate one small soft cookie and he asked me to not eat because chewing irritates him. So I didn't eat until 0100, after a few hours of sleep. Let me timeline this for you: 1800 - wake 2 hours later - approximately 1c rice with nooch and chili powder and a little cheese to take my meds and supplement 14 hours later- 1.5 pieces of naan with hummus to take my meds 7 hours later - 1 small cookie that I then felt bad about buying and eating because it made him angry and reinforced the "you're nothing so you don't deserve to eat" thing in my head 4 hours later - fall asleep 3.5 hours later - wake 30 mins later - half a package of soft cookies with milk 5 hours later - writing this post for 1.5 - 2 hours I don't eat 95% of the time because of money. If I eat this food, then I have to spend money to replace it. I might need that money later so don't eat too much, eat only what you need, don't be a fucking pig, eat only what you need to function, don't be greedy, eat only what you need to stay alive for now, don't piss anyone off by making a mess and being lazy just don't eat if you don't absolutely need to. Don't make anyone angry at you. Make it last. You need boots that you can work in. You need your neck worked out. You want to see Motionless In White, save your money. You can't go to Kipona this year because he won't go with you and you have no one else even though you used to go with Grandbob, maybe next year or the one after that. Save your money. Maybe Muddy Run? Save your money for that. You want to go to the Ren Faire, save all you can for that. Another thing that's fucking with me He said he'd take off work and go to last month's flute circle because I really want him to experience it, but backed out because he didn't want to take off work and left me unable to attend. I rarely go, and it's the last regular experience I have to Grandbob and it absolutely fucking destroyed me to not be there. Again. I can't go to this month's because it was 2 days ago. I don't think I'll be allowed to go back for another few years, I don't think I'll be allowed to experience anything that connects me to Grandbob for another few years and by then they'll probably all be gone. I'm not allowed to cope or lash out or cry or scream or experience emotion or eat or fucking try to have some sort of connection to Grandbob because it inconveniences everyone else and I'm not allowed to have needs or try to take care of myself because it inconveniences everyone else and makes everyone else angry and every single thing I do does that. Last week I woke up at 0200 and couldn't go back to sleep even though I had to be at work at 1100 and close the shop at 2100 and work through those hours. I couldn't get back to sleep even though I tried for hours because I was having a depressive anxiety attack and crying for hours and I was literally imagining that my availability having to change and possibly not being able to work the drunk rush anymore making my boss so angry and upset that he fires me and me being as depressed and anxious and suicidal as I am, literally taking a knife and killing myself in the bathroom and my coworker (who actually got fired irl) found me and was just so apathetic and my boss literally just being like "goddammit now I have this mess to clean up and have to close early and can't make money" and me dying having zero emotional impact on either of them because I'm not a fucking person to them and all I am is a hassle. So I'm seeing that in my head and crying for hours, then I'm also seeing potential effect that that imaginary situation has on my mom and my friend and I'm crying over THAT for hours. God, I don't even fucking know. I just want to die because no one gives a fuck and I hate this country and I don't have enough money to survive and be okay in this country and politics is killing me and money and stress and I just want to fucking die because my soul is cold and nothing feels real or genuine to me anymore and I'm just a fucking obligation to everyone I'm not a fucking person I'm not important I'm just a selfish piece of shit motherfucker that needs to die alone in a hole and I'm pretty sure this whole post is a fucking guilt trip manipulation bullshit even though I don't mean it to be and I wish I never needed anything because hugs aren't feeling genuine anymore no one fucking takes my needs into consideration it doesn't matter how thin i get or how thin I'm spread it's never enough and I can't expect anyone to spread themselves the smallest bit until I'm fucking dust please just end my earthly existence Look at me Look at this fucking post I'm fucking crazy, aren't I? Isn't this the raving of a mad person? I've literally spent 2 hours typing this WHY am I this way? WHY can't I just deal with it like everyone else?